Understanding Self-Harm Through the IFS Firefighter Lens
Self-harm is often misunderstood, seen only as a harmful act rather than a desperate attempt to find relief. From an Internal Family Systems (IFS) perspective, self-harm is the action of a "firefighter" part—a part of us that reacts quickly and intensely to overwhelming emotional pain. Firefighters are not inherently bad; they are simply trying to protect us in the only way they know how.
Firefighters: Reactive vs. Protective
IFS categorizes our inner parts into different roles, with firefighters being the ones who step in when emotional pain feels unbearable. Unlike "managers," who try to maintain control and keep us functioning in daily life, firefighters react impulsively and intensely to distress. They don’t consider long-term consequences; their only goal is to stop or numb emotional suffering as quickly as possible.
Think of a firefighter rushing into a burning building—there’s no time to assess the damage or think about the long-term implications. Their sole focus is putting out the fire. Similarly, self-harm functions as an immediate escape from deep emotional wounds, even if it comes at a cost. This impulse-driven nature of firefighters makes them incredibly powerful and difficult to control, especially when the pain they are responding to is deep-seated and long-lasting.
The Emotions We Are Running From
Firefighters emerge in response to overwhelming emotions that feel too painful to endure, including:
Hurt – Deep emotional pain that feels intolerable.
Emptiness – A void inside that seems impossible to fill.
Worthlessness – The belief that we are not good enough.
Shame – Feeling inherently flawed or unlovable.
Rejection – The pain of feeling abandoned or unwanted.
Fear – Anxiety about being hurt, alone, or unsafe.
These emotions can stem from past trauma, difficult relationships, or internalized negative beliefs. When they surface, firefighters rush in with whatever means necessary to drown them out. Many people who engage in self-harm describe feeling a temporary sense of relief or control—sometimes even numbness—which reinforces the behavior, despite its harmful consequences.
Firefighters develop in response to our pain, often from a young age. If we were never taught how to manage emotions in a safe and nurturing way, our system adapts by finding its own methods of coping. For some, that might be distraction through video games or excessive work. For others, it might be self-harm, alcohol use, or other intense behaviors. The more unbearable the emotional pain, the more extreme the firefighter’s response may become.
The Many Forms of Firefighters
Self-harm is just one way a firefighter may try to provide relief. Other common firefighter behaviors include:
Alcohol or drug abuse – Using substances to escape pain or numb emotions.
Binge eating – Overeating to create a temporary sense of comfort or fullness.
Excessive shopping – Seeking momentary excitement or distraction.
Promiscuity – Engaging in risky sexual behavior to feel wanted or validated.
Overworking – Keeping busy to avoid facing difficult emotions.
Compulsive exercise – Using physical activity to suppress or distract from emotions.
Risk-taking behaviors – Engaging in reckless activities to create a sense of aliveness.
Each of these behaviors is an attempt to escape or dull emotional pain, even if they create problems of their own. Instead of judging these behaviors, IFS invites us to be curious: What is this firefighter trying to do for me? What pain is it protecting me from?
Getting Curious About Firefighters
One of the core principles of IFS is that there are no bad parts—only parts that have taken on extreme roles because they feel it is necessary for survival. Firefighters are not trying to harm us; they are trying to help in the only way they know how. When we approach these parts with curiosity instead of shame or judgment, we begin to understand their purpose and the wounds they are protecting.
A powerful exercise in IFS therapy is engaging in an internal dialogue with your firefighter part. Rather than trying to suppress or get rid of it, you might ask:
What are you afraid will happen if you stop doing this?
What pain are you trying to protect me from?
How long have you been doing this for me?
What would you rather be doing if you didn’t have to protect me in this way?
By listening to the firefighter’s answers with compassion, we begin to uncover the deeper wounds that need attention. Often, behind the firefighter is an "exile"—a part of us that carries deep pain, shame, or trauma. Firefighters rush in to keep exiles from overwhelming us, but true healing happens when we can address these wounds directly with self-compassion.
How IFS Therapy Can Help
IFS therapy offers a compassionate approach to working with self-harm and other firefighter behaviors. Instead of trying to force these parts to stop, IFS encourages understanding, dialogue, and healing. By developing a relationship with our firefighters and the wounded parts they are protecting, we can find healthier ways to address our pain.
Through IFS, you can:
Identify and understand your firefighter parts.
Develop self-compassion instead of shame.
Heal the wounded parts driving self-destructive behaviors.
Find new, supportive ways to manage overwhelming emotions.
A trained IFS therapist can help you explore your internal system, allowing you to understand the different roles your parts play and how to help them find new, healthier ways to function. Rather than suppressing firefighters or exiles, the goal is integration—helping all parts of you work together harmoniously under the guidance of your core Self.
Finding Healthier Coping Mechanisms
Once we acknowledge our firefighters with compassion, we can begin to explore alternative coping strategies that serve the same function but in a healthier way. If self-harm or another firefighter behavior has been your primary way of coping, consider experimenting with new ways to manage emotions, such as:
Grounding techniques – Deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, or using your senses to stay present.
Creative expression – Writing, drawing, singing, or dancing as a way to process emotions.
Movement – Gentle yoga, walking in nature, or other physical activities that feel nourishing.
Connecting with safe people – Reaching out to a trusted friend, therapist, or support group.
Mindfulness and meditation – Practices that build emotional regulation and self-awareness.
Journaling – Writing down your thoughts and feelings to gain insight into your emotional state.
The key is not just replacing the firefighter’s behavior but addressing the underlying wounds it has been protecting. Healing doesn’t mean getting rid of your parts—it means helping them find new, healthier roles.
Seeking Support
If you are struggling with self-harm, know that you are not alone. Support is available. If you need immediate assistance, please call 988 for the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.
IFS therapy can be a powerful tool for self-discovery and healing, helping you navigate the inner world of your parts with curiosity and compassion. If you’re interested in learning more about IFS and how to explore your inner system, I highly recommend reading No Bad Parts by Richard C. Schwartz. Healing is possible, and you deserve support on your journey.
If you’re ready to take the next step, consider reaching out to a therapist trained in IFS. You don’t have to face this alone—help and healing are within reach.