Exploring Attachment Styles Through Adele’s “I Drink Wine”
Adele has a unique way of capturing the complexities of human emotions in her music, and her song "I Drink Wine" is no exception. As one of her many reflective pieces, this song dives into self-exploration and vulnerability, themes that resonate with many of us on a deeply personal level. For me, Adele’s voice—both literally and metaphorically—is a source of power, vulnerability, and connection. Much like how attachment styles shape our emotional experiences, Adele’s voice captures the push and pull of human connection. She has an incredible way of making us feel seen, understood, and connected to our own emotions.
When we listen to “I Drink Wine,” we hear lyrics that not only address personal growth but also give insight into relational dynamics. The song sheds light on the struggles that many of us face when it comes to navigating relationships, particularly how our attachment styles can shape our connections with others. While the song explores self-reflection and longing, its themes also mirror the ways our attachment styles shape our relationships. By exploring these lyrics through the lens of attachment theory, we can better understand how attachment patterns affect our behavior and communication, both with ourselves and with others.
Understanding Attachment Styles
Our relational patterns are deeply influenced by early experiences. Psychologist John Bowlby’s attachment theory helps us understand why we seek connection, fear abandonment, or struggle with intimacy. There are four primary attachment styles:
Secure Attachment: Individuals with a secure attachment style feel comfortable with closeness and independence. They trust others, communicate effectively, and generally have healthy relationships.
Anxious Attachment: Those with anxious attachment often seek validation and fear abandonment. They may overanalyze interactions, need constant reassurance, and struggle with feeling secure in relationships.
Avoidant Attachment: Avoidantly attached individuals prioritize independence and may struggle with emotional intimacy. They can appear distant or emotionally unavailable in relationships.
Disorganized Attachment: This attachment style is a combination of anxious and avoidant tendencies. Individuals with this style often crave intimacy but also fear it, leading to unpredictable relationship patterns.
Understanding your attachment style and that of your partner or loved ones can be a game-changer in fostering healthier, more fulfilling relationships.
“Why am I obsessing about the things I can’t control?”
This line is particularly striking because it speaks to an internal battle that many individuals with an anxious attachment style face. People with this attachment style often struggle with the fear of abandonment and a constant need for reassurance. They may obsess over things they cannot control—like the actions of others, or the uncertainty of relationships—because they are seeking stability in a world that often feels unpredictable. This obsession stems from a deep-rooted insecurity, where individuals feel as though their worth and sense of safety are dependent on external validation.
For those with anxious attachment, moments of uncertainty can be overwhelming. If their partner takes longer than usual to respond to a text, or if a friend cancels plans, it can trigger a spiral of self-doubt and fear. This hyper-vigilance in relationships makes it difficult to feel at ease, as they are constantly trying to predict or prevent rejection.
How to Break the Cycle:
Recognize when you are engaging in anxious thinking patterns and challenge them.
Practice mindfulness and grounding techniques to bring yourself back to the present moment.
Develop self-validation strategies to reduce dependency on external approval.
Communicate openly with your loved ones about your needs while respecting their space.
“Why am I seeking approval from people I don’t even know?”
This line also speaks to an anxious attachment style but from a different angle. It touches on the tendency to seek validation from others, even strangers, as a way of soothing underlying feelings of unworthiness or fear of not being good enough. Individuals with anxious attachment often have a strong need to be liked or accepted by others. This drive for approval can lead to people-pleasing behaviors or an inability to set boundaries, as they fear rejection or disconnection.
It’s a painful cycle: the more they seek external approval, the further they move from their authentic selves. Over time, they may lose sight of their own desires and values in an effort to be what they believe others want them to be.
Healing from the Need for External Validation:
Reflect on your core values and beliefs to strengthen your sense of self.
Engage in self-compassion practices to develop internal validation.
Limit social media consumption if it triggers comparison or self-doubt.
Surround yourself with people who support you for who you truly are.
“Cause I need some substance in my life, something real, something that feels true.”
This lyric can resonate with anyone who has ever felt disconnected or unfulfilled in their relationships. Those with a disorganized or fearful-avoidant attachment style, for example, may feel torn between wanting connection but also fearing it. They may experience a deep longing for something real and meaningful but also struggle with the vulnerability required to form deep, trusting bonds. This internal push-pull creates confusion and emotional pain, as the desire for intimacy is often met with a fear of being hurt.
Avoidantly attached individuals may also resonate with this lyric, as they often experience relationships that feel surface-level due to their difficulty in expressing deeper emotions. While they may claim to value independence, deep down, they also crave meaningful connection—they just fear the potential emotional consequences of it.
Steps Toward Authentic Connection:
Work on identifying and expressing your emotional needs in relationships.
Challenge avoidant tendencies by allowing yourself to lean into vulnerability gradually.
Prioritize relationships that offer genuine connection rather than those that feel transactional or obligatory.
“You get the brunt of it all 'cause you're all I've got left”
This lyric powerfully highlights the potential dangers of unbalanced attachment dynamics. In relationships where one person is overly dependent on the other for emotional regulation and validation, this can lead to toxic patterns. Those with anxious attachment styles, for example, may unintentionally overwhelm their partner by pouring all of their emotional needs into them, leaving the relationship feeling one-sided. The fear of being alone can make them cling, while their partner may feel suffocated or drained by the intensity of the emotional demands.
On the other hand, this lyric can also speak to someone with an avoidant attachment style who has cut off other sources of emotional support and now places all relational expectations onto one person. This can lead to resentment and unrealistic expectations, making it difficult to maintain a healthy dynamic.
Avoiding Codependent Patterns:
Foster multiple sources of emotional support (friends, family, therapy) to avoid over-reliance on one person.
Develop self-soothing techniques such as tapping, deep breathing, or meditation to manage emotional distress independently.
Communicate your emotional needs in a way that respects both your needs and your partner's boundaries.
“So I hope to learn to get over myself, stop trying to be somebody else.”
This lyric speaks to the journey of self-acceptance and healing. Many people, especially those with anxious or avoidant attachment styles, struggle with a deep fear that their authentic selves are not enough. As a result, they mold themselves into what they believe others want them to be, suppressing their true desires, emotions, and needs. Learning to “get over” oneself in this context means letting go of the fear of rejection and embracing authenticity. It’s about shedding the need for approval and stepping into self-acceptance.
Final Thoughts - The Power of Knowing Your Attachment Style
Adele’s "I Drink Wine" serves as more than just a beautiful song—it is a powerful reflection of the struggles we face in relationships and personal growth. Understanding your attachment style—and the attachment styles of others—can significantly improve the way we relate to one another. When you are aware of your own attachment patterns, you can develop a deeper understanding of your emotional needs and triggers. This awareness empowers you to communicate more effectively, set boundaries, and regulate your emotions in ways that support healthy relationships.
It also allows you to approach your relationships with greater empathy. When you understand that someone may have a different attachment style, you can navigate potential misunderstandings with patience and compassion. By embracing self-awareness and vulnerability, we move toward relationships that are not just fulfilling but deeply authentic.